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About Varied / Hobbyist Premium Member Jenny DuncanFemale/United Kingdom Group :icondice-and-anvils: Dice-and-Anvils
 
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My self harm story.....so far

Journal Entry: Tue Jan 13, 2015, 6:40 PM




Hey guys I felt like this is something I thought I should get off my chest. I got a little inspired to write this after reading someone's else's story and it would feel good to get it out because I have never talked about this openly to anyone before. All right lets get started.
At the age of 13 is when I started to self-harm. It was a horrible time for me because was depressed. I would cut my legs and wrists, slap myself in front of the mirror. I even cut my breasts and belly at one point. I was always careful that my family wouldn't find out. My family was supportive during my depression, I got counselling and for a while they didn't even suspect I was self-harming. Until my Dad got me out of bed one morning. I didn't see his reaction when he lifted up my blanket, he just went dead silent then walked out of the room. I only realised I short time after he saw my scars. At that point I started to panic. I was too scared to say anything to him and I knew he would tell Mom.  

Sure engough he did. I half expected that they would try and talk to me about it. But not at all. While staying at my Moms I noticed that my stuff went missing. I had a pocket knife at the time and I realised is was gone, I always kept it  in my desk drawer. Other things went missing too. My compass, my scissors, basically anything sharp in my room was taken, but that wasn't much really. It didn't take long to figure out it was my Mom who went snooping around in my room and took all my things. I understand why she did that but she still didn't talk to me about my my problem. Instead she just pretended she knew nothing and tried to catch me in the act or look for scars when I wasn't noticing. This really irritated me. It was like she was investigating me like I was some sort of criminal. I didn't say I word to her because I knew she would get mad.
She finally caught me when she went into my room while I was changing to get ready for school. She saw the scars on my legs and she was NOT happy. She even kept me off school that day because she was so mad.
When we sat down and talked she was furious with me. She told me that it was a stupid thing to do and told me things like the scars would never go away. It ended with me making a promise never to do it again. My Dad never said a word to me about it.

I didn't know if my whole family knew after that. My younger brother found after he read my dairy and he was angry with me too when I had to show him my scars. I didn't have the best relationship with him at the time to that just made things worse between us.

I got really upset after this. I love my parents and brother but I just wish they were a little more.....supportive towards me in this situation. Hey not everyone is perfect but i don't understand why they acted so negative towards me and shouted. Instead of a proper talk, I got an angry lecture and the silent treatment for a while. The fact that my mom still goes through my things sometimes makes my blood boil.
Things didn't really change after that. I still self-harmed for a while longer before I left school at 16. I was finally able to stop after that and was happy again. I was going to college, I got a beautiful dog and made a great group of friends. I went 2 years without putting a blade on my skin. But I was at it again at 18, just a few months before my next birthday. This was during a tough period at college. Work was hard, I wasn't given the support I needed. And my friend was dealing with cancer at the time as well, I was so worried that I nightmares about. I was going through another depression. Thankfully this one was not as tough, I was able to pull through this one a little more easily. I was more honest to my parents about how I was feeling and asked to get some more counselling. The only thing I kept to myself was that I was self-harming again. I only ever told one of my friends about it. He can keep secrets and is a good listener.
When it comes to friends they can be much more understanding then family sometimes.

I never told anyone else nor did anyone else find out I was self- harming at the time. I'm 19 now and I've been able to go 7 months without harming myself since I left college. In all honesty I don't know if I will cut myself again in the future. Though I'm more hopeful. I'm surprised I didn't have any intention to hurt my self after my friend passed away. It still hurts but I've never contemplated it once when I get upset. I guess it shows I've gotten a little stronger.

Whenever I get upset or get triggering feelings to cut, I just draw out these feelings or draw myself cutting instead. Its something I've been doing since I left college. Its a good alternative, it helps alot. And of course my friends support is amazing. I really hope I'm doing enough for them.
I can't predict the future but whatever happens I'm confident I'll be able to handle things better. Really hoping.

Now a little message to you all. If you ever find out that a family member or a friend is self-harming, please don't get angry on them. That won't help and will probably only make things worse for them. I know it will be a lot to take in and will be hard to understand but remember that that person is going through a lot of pain. Love and understanding is what they need.

And to those of you who are experiencing depression and self-harm problems. Don't be ashamed or scared to seek help or talk to someone. You don't have to suffer in silence, because you are a wonderful person that deserves to be happy.
Take it easy, take your time, breathe. It may take a while but there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

  • Mood: Emotional
  • Listening to: Meghan Trainor

deviantID

St0oiE
Jenny Duncan
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United Kingdom
Tumblr st0oie.tumblr.com/

I'm in to fairies, unicorns, werewolf's, ghosts, you name it! ^^
It just really interests me! Anything with a good story that takes me away from reality!
Shetland Flag Stamp by julie090995Fantasy is my Reality stamp by purgatoriTaurus Stamp by sxhi

I'm really interested in illustration, fantasy and painting and hope to become a better artist, people say I can be too critical on my self, as you can image I don't have much confidence in my self at all, but I want to improve.

I suppose my main goal is to bring a little more beauty and fun into this world. I want people to be happy when they look at my art. Art is one of the things that has helped me deal with depression and self harming. Like a lot of people I can have a bleek outlook on life at times...but that doesn't mean life isn't worth living, I am determined to show that!

"I like my world" Stamp by MotleyDreamsBelieve in Faeries Stamp by barefootphotosloup garou by prismchanNothing else to do. by Tbearmn22OC's Are My Babies by Foxxie-Chan:: Love for every OC :: by LuaSentinelPegasister Stamp by Kezzi-RoseTraditional Media Stamp by KaizokuShojoAutumn Stamp by Kezzi-RoseART stamp by TProd. Drawing is living stamp . by TheArtaTomboyish Stamp by xSweetSlayerxShy Stamp by Neko-MusumeAspergers' by LadyCharizardI Talk to Myself Stamp by Latias-FlyerAdam Savage -stamp- by ChinchikurinMeat lover by prosaixEvil Laugh Stamp by PsychoMonkeyShogunI talk to my dog stamp by zelda-pianogirlTY Junkie stamp by KixxarStamp - I love singing alone by BlueHunterWeird Noises by SardiiniI live barefoot stamp by schmutz-fussI want to be a Queen by skinnyveestampYOUR GOING TO LOVE MEE by SSDOGZIIMika by RandomTonsStamp: NBC's Hannibal by tranimation-artVash Stampede by Miss-DicessUMAP Francoeur + flowers Stamp by TwilightProwlerTMM chbi stamp by Random-StrawberriesSteven Universe by stampsnstuffEdward Stamp by CaptainChibiGood night kiss by AdrianaFilipCartoons stamp by mariekelikestodrawnPlushie Pazzaz Stamp by TheBloodMaidenSTAMP: Glasses by EmotikonzRebi's Fantasy (remade) by RebiValeskaI love Platypuses by WishmasterAlchemistLong Hair Pride Stamp by Violet-Rose-Petal++ SI Awareness - Stamp 2 by dimruthienDepression Awareness by bluejeans5272Art saves me Stamp by Mel-RoseyArt makes me ... Stamp by Mel-RoseyROAR Stamp by Mel-RoseyPleasing Everyone Stamp by Mel-RoseyThe Scrap Stamp by BusirisI Support ART by AnonIhmusThank You... by jennyleigh
My two awesome cousins :heart:
:iconshannontoots::iconxxsammy-jxx:

All my friends :heart:
:iconthyobsessivefreak::iconmartianwarmachine::icong3ntl3m4n::iconatcfsut::iconthe-brick98::iconkarvoth::icondakkaboy::iconfrancy-pants97:
Interests

OTP, I ship because I can damnit

:PC: DiscordXCelestia Stamp by GlassFeline+DisListia+ by A-Ponies-LoveDisLestia stamp 1 - request by freezestamps+Dislestia Stamp+ by DemonKaizokuDiscordIa by endlerDxC stamp by Mn27 .:request:. DisLestia Stamp by schwarzekatze4Dislestia stamp by Burning-QuestionDiscord x Celestia by Miss-Dicess





Be warned, I can be as passionate about this ship as I am passionate about fairies! :heart:
If you don't like this ship then fair engough. Just please don't flame for me for it. Respect my OTP and I'll respect ours. ^^

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:iconamrock:
Amrock Featured By Owner 23 hours ago  Student Filmographer
Thanks a whole bunch for collecting my Stevonnie piece! 
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lemgras330 Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks so much for faving! :happy: hug
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NoharaMaxKVP Featured By Owner 1 day ago
thanks for the fave uvu/
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kitty-key-chan Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Artist
thanks for the fave :D
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:iconst0oie:
St0oiE Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Your welcome, and thank you for the watch :)
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